June 15, 2013

There's No Cryin In Rock 'n Roll

Well madpeople, father’s day is upon us and my heart is bleeding for my precious boys.  I’m the ultimate over-compensater.  I can spin a bad situation into a lighthearted one, I can force my way through deep shit like a mad bull.  My head is high and my heart is joyful, mostly.  But I’m still just a chick.  A mutha.  I’m not a man.  I’m not a daddy.  I can’t replace him.  And it’s so unfair.

These kids are the best.  They are sweet and gentle and kind and funny and so full of love.  They deserve to be sandwiched between a mom and a dad.  They deserve to play football and baseball and soccer in the yard with their dad.  They deserve to learn from a good man how to treat a woman, how to be a husband, how to be a provider.  And they’ll have none of it.  Not a lick.  And it makes a part of me die inside.

I try not to freak out because I know surely there must exist men who achieved greatness despite not having a father.  I know books have been written and statistics charted that say my boys are likely to be deficient in some way, solely due to their lack of a father figure.  I desperately want to believe that my love, my passion, will make it untrue.

I once boasted that my love was not regular.  Someone once told me that knowing me was like knowing fire.  I try to convince myself that I can be everything they need.  Deep inside I feel it’s untrue.

I don’t need him.  I really don’t.  But they do.  The brutal agony turns to anger so that I can function.  I know what to do with anger.  I don’t know what to do with agony.  The anger fuels me.  The agony destroys me.  This is one of the benefits of being a suicide survivor.  The anger props you up, nudges you.  I’m the best when someone tells me I can’t do something.

I’m sobbing now, but not hysterically because my boys are in the next room.  We’re going to my dad’s today, to get what little bit of dadness we can swipe in a short time.  The big boys recently discovered an affinity for Lynyrd Skynyrd, so we’re going to dry the tears, open the roof and crank it up loud on the way.  There’s no crying in rock n roll.

This was sent straight from Dave today...give it a whirl.  A little Freebird is good for the soul.

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now
'Cause there's too many places I must see

If I stayed here with you, girl
Things just couldn't be the same
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change

And the bird you cannot change
And the bird you cannot change
Lord knows, I can't change

Bye, bye, it's been a sweet love
Though this feeling I can't change
But please don't take it so badly
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame

But if I stayed here with you, girl
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change

I'm the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows, I can't change
Lord help me, I can't change

Oh, I can't change
Fly free bird


  1. You help keep me from the edge. Thank you. ((hugs))

  2. Mutha....this was played at Andre's funeral. He was a huge Skynyrd fan. I crank it in the car with the windows down and cry, when Zephyr isn't with me. But it makes me feel closer to him...Maybe he told Dave to send you that song? MAYBE he and Dave are hanging out, watching over us, and feeling glad that we can't reach up to yank them down and kick them both in the throats! And ok... heading east soon. I will let you know. Patio drinks and pool dips are in order. Stat!

  3. This made me cry and give me hope at the same time... I am raising a little girl without her papa because he is mentally ill and he can't survive outside of the hospital. I don't want her to feel the lack of him in her life... She is such a good girl... I need to pull things up a notch and show her she can be strong without him.

    You are inspiring and I love when you post... I know that I will read real feelings and emotions not what you think people want to hear. Thank you...

  4. Your boys will be better than fine. I will spend Sunday, like I do every year, desperatly thinking of everything but my dad and his death. And if I think of it all I will think about his humour. And mine. And how after he was cremated I carried him around in my car for MONTHS because I couldn't take him in the house for fear of my grandmother (his momma)throwing him away or worse yet being curious and opening, then spilling, then vacuuming up. :-) Trust me, it's funny. For the record, my dad wasn't around much. My grandparents raised me. And nobody spent much time doing anything with me. I turned out ok, and my kids are pretty decent - though not perfect :-)sb

  5. Hugs to you!!!! Beautifully written & Free Bird describes a LOT!!!!! So glad to have you writing more! Missed you BIG BIG!!!

  6. This is our first Father's Day since my husband committed suicide... And yesterday should have been our wedding anniversary. I am dying inside. Keeping it together for my babies.
    Thanks for coming back

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  8. Just happened on your blog this "Father's Day" am. I am over 20 years ahead of you. Just wanted you to know that my four children are all grown functioning members of society. I am visiting my Mother for Father's Day as it is her birthday but cell phone (paid for by one of my sons) is beeping off the non-hook with Father's Day wishes and love from my children. The most meaningful one stated "I love you so much. I can't imagine a life that had not had you in it. Thank you for always being there." My Mom once told me that the days are long but the years are short. It is so true. I know that some days you would like to shoot yourself and take the easy road but...life does get easier and you always get out of things what you put into it. Life is good!

  9. Our dear Madwoman...
    John Lennon and Eric Clapton
    Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart
    Bill Clinton and Barack Obama...
    creative musicians, smart comedians, even presidents of the ever lovin' United States...achieved successful, passionate, fulfilling lives without the direct influence of the man who fathered them.

    Your boys, will be fathered by God through the powerful love of the people who come into their lives, and through you. You were not created to be EVERYTHING for them. You are to be the awesome Mutha Madwoman you are. They will have plenty of needs you won't be able to fill, and were never intended to fill. It is in those places they will connect with others and learn to grow. Be assured, Mutha Madwoman, you are exactly what they need because you are YOU! And they will grow to learn they are precious simply because they are THEMSELVES, lovable, special.

    And through your strength, you have this crazy Madwoman community who is ready to wrap their arms around you and your boys too :-) Thank you for sharing your journey. And hope you have special moments today.

  10. Believe in your kids and their spirit and their resilience. Yes it sucks that they have to be resilient but they are. My exhusband is none of those things that you wish your kids dad would do if he was here. And I know I'm glad he survived his suicide attempt but illnesses and dysfunction continues alive or not. My pain is not yours just saying I can relate. My brother also died of suicide. Loss like that is another bird. But believing in the resilience of your kids helped me and helped my kids and I hope it can help you too. Be gentle to yourself!

  11. I recently found your blog and I love it. I rarely ever comment but felt the need to for this. My son just turned twenty years old and I raised him on my own. Over the years I was (and still am at times) filled with insecurities and a sadness that I could never be everything that he needed. That he would grow up dysfunctional and messed up in god knows how many ways because he has a father who choose to leave him and a mother who despite trying her best struggled with her own demons. I am proud to say that he is becoming an awesome man. More than I could ever hope for even if he had a loving dad. Stay strong and know that you are enough.

    I am also a survivor. My fiance killed himself 1.5 years ago. I thought I had finally found the love of my life. I thought - wow there is a reason I have struggled and stayed single all these years - I was waiting for him. Sigh. Asshole. But I loved him and always will. Your words give me strength. Hang in there.

  12. Madwoman: Hugs to you. My children's father isn't dead, but to be brutally honest (and more than a little bitter) he may as well be. Father's Day sucks for kids who have no dad in their life, but you know what? They survive. It's hard to see our children (and for some reason, particularly hard to see the BOYS) put together the puzzles of life without a loving, masculine hand to guide them.

    You are so right: we cannot be the dad. But we can be amazing, kick ass moms. And you are doing just that.

    Hang in there, sister.


  13. Your kids don't deserve the father they had. That loser killed himself and in doing so took away his own right to be anything to them. They deserve so much more, and they are getting it from you, the Mad Woman herself. Hang in there lady!

  14. you helped me,, thank you so so much(hugs)