July 8, 2013

If It Purrs, RUN!

Welp.  D-Day is behind us. We survived unscathed. I am getting so good at this, and I feel proud of myself. This year, I just simply refused to let it bother me. Refused to get anxious over it. Refused to give it air time.  So take that, universe.  This mutha will not be held hostage by the calendar. We'll see how the next few days go. Sometimes the gods trick me into thinking I’ve escaped their wrath, only to reach down low and grab me by the ankle after I get a few steps away. 

Things were getting sort of monotonous around here, and I also have a strict rule against staying here on D-Day, just in case I suddenly lose my faculties and decide to lie down on the garage floor where he died to practice my crying, choking and screaming. So we booked a last minute vacation to a very overbooked part of the world.  The beach. When I say overbooked I mean that I had the CEO of 15,000 rental properties personally looking for a cancellation.  At 11:08 a.m. I was alerted by one of the futha’s to the very last condo available all the way from Orange Beach, AL to Panama City Beach, FL and by 4:00 p.m. we had toes in the sand.  Don’t ever get in a packing race with me. 

I made several observations at the beach. First of all, some of you men folk still have not read the memo regarding back hair.  Women hate it.  Shave that shaggy shoulder fro. Also, people need to get better tattoos. Getting tattoos is like designing and decorating your home, permanently.  Mostly that’s best left to the professionals. You can’t just throw random shit all over and expect it to look nice.  Also, I was the only woman my age wearing a two piece bikini bathing suit.  This causes me to feel slightly uncomfortable and whorish.  For about 2 seconds. 

I thought a lot about my own fuckups too. Lord knows there are many to choose from involving much more than cosmetic flaws. Where did I go wrong with Dave? What red flags did I ignore?

The very first red flag is kind of funny, and Dave would kick my ass for telling this story if he were alive, but alas, this is what you get when you leave yourself defenseless against a scorned woman who likes to bang her fingers into a keyboard. 

It was very early in our dating. We were both about 30 I guess. He had practically moved in with me from the beginning…not really his stuff but himself. I never asked him to stay or any of that…but I guess it didn’t bother me very much or I would have said something, like please leave.  Anyway, I had plans with friends one night. He wasn’t invited or didn’t want to go, I can’t really remember. So I went out and had a good time and returned home around midnight or one to find his mom running around my house like a chicken with her head cut off. “He spiked a fever!” she is exclaiming in a very fast and nervous tone.  Mind you, he is fucking 30. 

Oh my God. I’m immediately thinking this wussy ass better be dead or dying, or this is really, really a bad sign. First of all, spiked a fever? Who says that? I hate that saying. Please just say he has fever. I quickly ascertained that he was mildly ill with a slight fever. Oh No.  Disastrous.  He has called his mommy.  This is not exactly tough guy material.  No.  This is immediate break up material is what this is! Why is this mother here? Did this kitty cat really call his mom to come over because he didn't feel well? 

She has brought soup, and a thermometer, and he is on the couch, wrapped up in blankets. She is hovering all over him, and I’m extremely alarmed. I’m not alarmed that he is sick. I am alarmed that I think I suddenly hate him. She is talking so fast and I’m working overtime in a rather inebriated state to just block out everything she is saying. I’m catching bits and pieces of the drama. He called…he said you went out….he needed help….he felt so bad. 

I’m pretty sure I just stared at them.  My annoyed stare face is not very subtle.  She finally left and I went to bed and closed the door. In the morning I didn’t ask him how he felt. As soon as he felt better, I think I told him I needed a break and he needed to go home for a while. 

When I tell this story to other women, they laugh like there is no tomorrow. Why is this funny?

I can’t imagine that I didn’t break up with him.  Luckily he had some overriding good traits.  He never knew that one moment was almost a deal breaker. 

Let that be a lesson to you young girls.  And mental note to teach baby darling that once he starts dating he must never call me unless he’s in an ambulance.


  1. I'm so glad you were able to get to the beach. I spent every summer of my childhood either at Gulf Shores, Orange Beach, or Perdido Key, so I got the warm fuzzies when I saw where you went <3 I'm so proud of you for giving the grief ninja the finger this year too lady. xoxo P.S. 2 1/2 (ish) months until MMM!

  2. I am thrilled you made it to the beach...

    I thought I packed fast, I won't try to race you, lol

    Also, hahaha... I agree, a man calling his mother because of a little fever... that is lame. Fortunately I haven't met one of those yet. Since I don't plan to date any further, I highly doubt I will meet one of them now. Note to self, teach my youngest daughter not to put up with crap.

    Always entertaining and I learn something each time :)

  3. Lots of men are big pusses when they get sick... but I've never known one to call his mom over to his girlfriend's house. DAMN. My "almost-deal-breaker moment" was when, in college, I saw how filthy my current husband's apartment was. F*CKING DISGUSTING. Luckily for him, he had roommates to blame it on... AND I FELL FOR IT!!!! I will pay for it EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. He does have plenty of redeeming qualities... but damn he is a slob.

    Glad you got to the beach. The pics looked beautiful. Oh and I also wear a bikini (I'm 33) and I plan on wearing one until my aged, wrinkly skin flaps over the edges of my bikini bottoms. Even then... not sure I'll give a shit. =)

  4. I wish I was strong enough to share my stories with you. I guess I'm not because I erased what I started. I just want you to know that you couldn't have seen any red flags because a person suffering mentally will not allow any to be seen. They aren't hiding from their loved ones, they are hiding from themselves.

  5. As I have told you , mine killed himself with drinking , he was only 45 . His mother was as cold as ice and had some strange fixation with him , she was horrible to me , bitch from Hell is too nice to say about her . He hated her but felt some kind of debt to her , I do remember one time he told her to get the fuck out of our house and don't come back , she slapped him , and left . I was so happy I thought she was gone for good , but not ! This went on all the time plus I didn't tell him half of the shit she said to me . He died , she didn't come to the hospital when he was dying and she didn't come to the funeral she left the state went on a cruise and didn't come back for 3 months , when she did come back she wanted to see me and go through all that happened which made me all sick all over again , then she bugged me forever . 10 yrs later when I met my present husband she started calling and when he would answer the phone , she would say "Joe , is that you ?" No this is Rich ! She did it one too many times and I had to finally tell her off a bit ! Finally almost 30 yrs later she went bonkers and wound up in a loony bin , I had to go visit just to see what was happening to her , :D , then she died , I went to the funeral just to make sure it was real ! I'm not horrible , but revenge is good ! Moms don't screw up your kids , it effects them for life ! Thank God I have an awesome mom in law now !

  6. It's kind of amazing that you found a condo so late in the peak season for them. I'm glad for you guys, though.

    So weird what people do...he'd ask for immediate emergency help for a little cold/fever, but a life-altering mental issue isn't cause for the same behavior. Sometimes it's amazing how we just dismiss any illness that isn't physical, and yet just get so hypochondrial about a cold or flu.

  7. I love my 14 year old, but my sentiments are similar - he's all yours girly!

  8. My sentiments exactly. I have a 14 year old, when he's out there, my thoughts are "he's all yours girly!".

  9. What is it with men named Dave being mommas boys? My soon to be ex husband acts like its the end of the world when he so much as got a hangnail- stop the press, call the CDC and obviously call mommy to let her know he is sick/hurt and to make you look like crap for not being able to care for him enough. Sadly Im seeing a trend with people who over react like that also having undiagnosed mental disorders. I am 110% positive my ex is bipolor or something, and Im not saying that out of hate/anger for him. I thought this back when I loved him in the very beginning of our relationship. God save anyone who tries to bring it up to him, I learned never to do that unless I wanted to get knocked around.

    Im glad you and your babies were able to get away and relax and have fun. You deserve it.


  10. God bless you and your boys. Keep writing, it helps all of us who are suffering, somehow. Love when you are triumphant and on top. I know there are valleys, but you are doing great, Mama. Love that you are feisty, but let us all know that you depend on Jesus.

  11. I hope my daughter reads this....I really hope she does.